He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
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Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
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Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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