This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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