My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
