Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
