Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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