This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
