I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
