Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
