i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
So squirting runs in the family.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
