So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
