No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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