Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
