take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Randomize
