Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
What drink are we having for lunch?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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