awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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