Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
