meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
