I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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