when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
