And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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