we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
