We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
