When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
