Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
