Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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