Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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