Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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