Pants 0. Shit 1.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
