Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
