Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
