I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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