Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.