theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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