You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
