I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
