Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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