So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He passed out mid-signature
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
