Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
