Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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