I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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