Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
