Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
