sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
