I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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