yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
