What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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