I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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