I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
