My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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