if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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