I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
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She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
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Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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