so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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