So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
